27 replies to this topic

[Buzz Bumble]

There's a local freebie newspaper called Albany & East Coast Bays News which has a Wit from the Web column near the back. Here's two of the stories from this week's issue ...

Quote

Muffin
There were two muffins sitting in the oven and one says, "Goodness it's hot in here!"

The other one replies, "Oh my gosh! A talking muffin!"

Quote

Ouch! That hurts!
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say 'hell' and you say 'ass'."

"OK!" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm, and they both go downstairs. Their mother walks into the kitchen and ask the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit slapping his rear at every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Edited by Buzz Bumble, 20 May 2010 - 02:32 PM.

[The Mother]

[Buzz Bumble]

Here's some more from this week's issue ...

Quote

Smell the Bacon
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert afrter crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says, "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon," replies Pepe.

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree," and with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens fire, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe ... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis, mi amigo ... what ees it?"

"Pepe ... ees not a bacon tree. ... Ees ... ess ...ees a ham bush."

Quote

Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train set in th living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of %#$^&% who want off, get the %$&^#! off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you %$#%$! who are getting on, get your butts in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for an hour. When you come out, you may play with your train set, but I want you to use nice language."

An hour later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train set. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, plesae remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are $#%$#&#! off about the one hour delay, please see the #^#$%$#! in the kitchen."

Quote

0 to 200 in Six Seconds
Bob was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary. His wife was very annoyed and she told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds ... and it better be there!!"

The next morning Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her dressing gown and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back inside the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Quote

Say What?
An elderly couple had been eperiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where participants are taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbour about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the instructor?" asked the neighbour.

"Oh, umm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice, but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"You mean a rose?" asked the neigbour.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned towards his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the memory class instructor?"

Quote

Shark!
A rich millionaire decided to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday. At the start of the party he uses a microphone to announce to his guests that he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything they want to the person who swims across that pool," he says.

An hour or two later there is a great splash and all the party guests run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the shark fins come out of the water and their jaws are snapping, but he reaches the end of the pool and gets out, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "You are the bravest man I have ever seen. What would you like to have?"

The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jackass who pushed me in!"

Edited by Buzz Bumble, 17 June 2010 - 05:32 PM.

[kalid]

thanks buzz - i needed a laugh!!!

[Buzz Bumble]

Quote

Cannibals

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now," said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing, "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shock their heads indicating "no".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which on of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Supervisors, and no one noticed anything, but noooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually works!!"

Quote

Driving Test

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asked the police officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." said the juggler.

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," said the officer.

So the juggler got out of his car and started to juggle the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slow down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

[Buzz Bumble]

Quote

Shorts

• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

• In the 1960s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

Quote

Zen Teachings

• No one is listening until you fart.
  
• Always remember you're unique ... just like everyone else.
  
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  
• If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
  
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  
• If you lend someone $50 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
  
• Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
  
• There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
  
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
  
• We are born naked, wet and hungry and get slapped on the bum - then things just keep getting worse.

Quote

Halloween Party
A married couple were invited to a Halloween party.

That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her.

The wife took some aspirin and went to bed. After sleeping for a while, she awoke feeling much better, and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband.

As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, 'I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.' She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognise her, and went to the party.

Getting there, she stood off to one side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.

She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they mad love.

Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left the party and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00am and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked, "Well, how was the party?"

He replied, "It was no fun without you, Honey."

She said, "I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!"

He replied, "Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, the guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!"

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Penny Trick
After tucking their 3 year old child Sammy into bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swalloed a penny, and he was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm his son down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear.

Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched the penny from his father's hand, swallowed it, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy!"

[Buzz Bumble]

Quote

Getting Old
You know you're getting old when ...

• You sit in a rocking chair, but can't get it going.

• Your back goes out more often that you do.

• The clothes you threw out 20 years ago are back in fashion.

• You have more slippers than shoes.

• You feel like the morning after, but you haven't had the night before.

• Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

• You record cookery programmes.

• You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

• Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable under your armpits.

Quote of the week:
[indent]"The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected."[/indent]


Chicken Surprise
A couple went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and ordered the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brought the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.

Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she briefly saw two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asked her husband.

He hadn't, so she asked him to look in the pot. He reached for it and again the lid rose and he saw two little eyes looking around before it slammed down.

Rather perturbed, he called the waiter over, explained what was happening and demended an explanation.

"Please sir," said the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replied, "Chicken Surprise."

(You're going to love this. You're going to hate yourself for loving this!)

"Ah! So sorry," said the waiter. "I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake."


Humorous Wisdom

• If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

• No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong.

• Funny ... I don't remember being absent-minded.

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.

• Average is just as close to bottom as it is to the top.

• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

• Understanding women is like nailing jelly to a tree.

Edited by Buzz Bumble, 09 August 2010 - 02:23 PM.

[Buzz Bumble]

Quote

Australian Ettiquette

• Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
  
• Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
  
• It's tacky to take an esky to church.
  
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
  
• Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Quote

Why Men Are Happier

• Men can play with toys all their life.
  
• Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.
  
• Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes.
  
• Men can choose whther or not to grow a mustache.
  
• Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.
  
• Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.
  
• Chocolate is just another snack.
  
• The whole garage belongs to them.
  
• Men's last name never changes.
  
• Everything on a man's face stays its original colour.
  
• Men only have to shave their faces and necks.
  
• Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.
  
• Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.
  
• For men, wrinkles add character.
  
• Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.
  
• Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.
  
• Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.
  
• Men have one mood all the time.
  
• Men can open their own jars.

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Differences Between Men & Women
Names
If Angela, Sally, Brenda and Mary go out for lunch, they will call each other Angela, Sally, Brenda and Mary. If Bruce, John, Peter and Brad go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
When the bill arrives, Bruce, John, Peter and Brad will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.35. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back. When Angela, Sally, Brenda and Mary get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money
A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs. A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's "on sale".

Arguments
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future
A woman worries about the future - until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future - until he gets a wife.

Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the planets, gets the mail and reads a book. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural
Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed. Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

[Buzz Bumble]

Quote

Love & Understanding
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Quote

The Blood Test
Two little boys were sitting outside a clinic. The first boy was crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" asked the second boy.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed the first boy.

"So? Are you afraid?" aksed the second boy.

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger." said the first boy. At this, the second boy started crying profusely. The first boy was astonished and asked, "Why are you crying now?"

The second boy sobbingly replies, "I came here for a urine test!"

Quote

Smart Mum
A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.

"Why?" asked the little girl.

"Because it's dirty. It probably has lots of germs," the mother replied.

The little girl looked up ather mum and asked, "How do you know so much?"

Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All mums know so much. We have to. It's on the Mummy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mummy."

The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the Test, you get to be a daddy!"

Quote

Quote of the Week
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. The unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
[indent]George Bernard Shaw[/indent]

Quote

Humourous Wisdom

• If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

• No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong.

• Funny ... I don't remember being absent minded.

• A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.

• There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• I had a life once ... now I have a computer and a modem.

• Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.

• You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

• Average is just as close to the bottom as it is to the top.

• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

• Understanding women is like nailing jelly to a tree.

• Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

• Failure is not an option ... it's bundled with your software.

• Only in plumbing is a straight flush better than a full house.

• I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

• No one ever says, "It's only a game" when they're winning.

• One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.

Edited by Buzz Bumble, 21 September 2010 - 07:49 PM.

[Buzz Bumble]

Quote

Wittle Wabbit
A little girl walked into a pet shop and asked in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbitth?"

The shopkeepers got down on his knees so that he's on her level and asked, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl put her hands on her knees, leant forward and said in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveth a thit."

Quote

Great Writer
There was once a man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, staff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Quote

The Donation
A local charity's office realised that the organisation had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persaude him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a cent to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a lon illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the charity employee mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupted, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran , is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken charity employee began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," said the lawyer, his voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated charity employee, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Quote

10 Ways to Annoy People

• Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  
• Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
  
• Leave your turn signal on for fifty kilometres.
  
• Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what YOU think."
  
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  
• Finish all your sentences with the words, "in accordance with the prophesy."
  
• Wear a special hip-holster for your remote control.
  
• Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  
• Staple paper in the middle of the page, even the single sheets.
  
• Lick the filling out of all the cream biscuits and place the biscuit parts back in the tin.

Edited by Buzz Bumble, 02 October 2010 - 03:46 PM.

[Woot]

Lol, these are actually quite good.

I loved the 'Great Writer' one gold.

[Buzz Bumble]

Quote

Colours
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

Quote

Peanuts
A preacher was visiting an old lady of his chruch. They were praying, singing, and having a good old time. During the visit the preacher finsihed a whole bowl of peanuts and as he was saying goodbye he apologised for eating all of her peanuts.

"Preacher, give it no mind," she replied. "Ever since I had all my teeth pulled out all I do is suck the chocolate of them anyway."

Quote

False Teeth
While working for an organisation that delivered lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four year old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs.

One day, I found her starring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Quote

Could You Speak Up
Three old men, all hard of hearing, were playing golf on sunny morning.

One says to another, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man answers, "it's Thursday."

The third man, listening in, pipes up, "So am I! Let's grab a beer."

Quote

Old Ladies
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Quote

Behind the Wheel
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his mobile phone rang. Answering it, he heard his wife, her voice high with anxiety, warning him, "Henry, I just saw on the news that there's a car driving the wrong way on the motorway. Please be careful!"

"One?" replied Henry, "You've got to be kidding me. I see at least a hundred!".

Quote

Thoughts on Aging

• Maybe it's true that life begins at 50, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
  
• There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
  
• Middle age is when ... [indent] - work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
  - it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
  - you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to grow in the middle.[/indent]
  
• A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police.
  
• You know you are getting old when the cardiologist's diet is, "If it tastes good, spit it out."

Edited by Buzz Bumble, 16 October 2010 - 12:32 PM.

[Buzz Bumble]

Quote

Did You Know?
This may come as a bit of a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are nearly half as many Catholic churches as there are casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the collection plate is passed around, and they are now widely accepted by churches

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect and return the offerings. They now send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastry for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This work is done by the Chip Monks.
(You didn't even see it coming, did you?)

Quote

The Priest
A priest was driving to the North Shore to see a show and he was stopped on the motorway for speeding.

The police officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath, and seeing an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car, he asked, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

The priest replied, "Just water."

The policeman then asked, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks down at the bottle and exclaimed, "Good Lord, he's done it again!"

Quote

R.I.P.
An obituary printed in the London Times - interesting and, sadly, rather true.

[indent]Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

• knowing when to come in out of the rain,
  
• why the early bird gets the worm,
  
• life isn't always fair,
  
• and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned, but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6 year old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves have failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense was preceeded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, by his duaghter Responsibility, and by his son Reason.

He is survived by his four step-brothers: I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.[/indent]

Edited by Buzz Bumble, 20 November 2010 - 12:12 PM.

[Buzz Bumble]

Quote

Little Johnny
Little Johnny rushed home from school one day. He invaded the fridge and was scooping out some chocolate chip ice cream when his mother entered the kitchen and said, "Put that away Johnny! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to dinner time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpered and said, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she said, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He said, "I wanna play Mummy and Daddy."

Trying not to register her surprise and to further appease him, she said, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny said, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she went upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggered down the hall and opened the closet. He donned his father's old fishing hat. As he started up the stairs he noticed a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picked it up and slipped it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moved to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raised up and said, "What do I do now?"

In a deep voice and a gruff manner Johnny said, "Get your butt downstairs and get thet kid some ice cream!"

Quote

Ropes
Two ropes walk into a bar. One rope calls the bartender and says, "Berkeep, let me get a couple of beers."

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve ropes in here."

Frustrated, the ropes walk out, and since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it for a little while when finally one rope says, "I've got an idea". So he gets himself into a bind and frizzles his ends, and then walks back into the bar and says, "Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers?"

The bartender says, "Sure, but aren't you the same two ropes that came in here earlier?"

The rope answers, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Quote

W.I.C.O.E.
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
Open to men only - All welcome

The topics covered in this two-day course include ...

Day 1

• How to Fill Ice Cube Trays
  A step-by-step guide with slide presentation

• Toilet Rolls: Do They Grow on the Holders?
  Roundtable discussion

• Differences Between Laundry Basket & Floor
  Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics)

• Dishes & Silverware: Do They Levitate / Fly to Kitchen Sink or Dishwasher By Themselves?
  Debate among a panel of experts

• Remote Control
  Losing the remote control - helpline and support groups

• Learning How to Find Things
  Starting with looking for the right place instead of turning the house upside-down while screaming. Open forum.

Day 2

• Empty Milk Cartons: Do They Belong in the Fridge or the Bin?
  Group discussion and role play.

• Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers is not Harmful to Your Health
  PowerPoint presentation.

• Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost
  Documentary movie.

• Is it Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel Parks?
  Driving simulation.

• Living With Adults: Basic Difference Between Your Mother & Your Partner
  Online class and role playing.

• How to Be the Ideal Shopping Companion
  Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

• Remembering Important Dates
  Bring your calendar, diary or PDA to class

• Getting Over It: Learning How to Live With Being Wrong All the Time
  Individual counsellors available.

Edited by Buzz Bumble, 11 December 2010 - 03:31 PM.

[Buzz Bumble]

Quote

Naughty Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed. Then there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remoreseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a drastic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Quote

Free Bus Ride
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went t a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.

Quote

Stupid Thief #1
A man walked into a Louisiana store, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving behind the $20 bill on the counter.

The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15! (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

Quote

Stupid Thief #2
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "Freeze, mother-stickers! This is a ****-up!"

For a moment everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him.

The thief ran away and is still at large.

In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words "Freeze".

Quote

The Aucklander
An Aucklander parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office in Ponsonby to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took the door off before speeding away.

More than a little distraught, the Aucklander grabbed his mobile phone and called the police. Five minutes later, the police arrived.

Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the Aucklander started screaming hysterically, "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long they work on it at the body shop, it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Aucklander finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Aucklanders are," he said. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life!"

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snapped the Aucklander.

The policeman replied, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"

The Aucklander looked down in absolute horror ... "NO!!!!" he screamed. "Where's my Rolex!?"

[bahbiedohl]

I love some of the jokes they have on Wit From The Web Thanks for sharing Buzz Bumble

[Buzz Bumble]

Quote

Police Dog
At the end of the day, a policeman parked his van in front of the station. As he was gathering his equipment, his dog started barking. The policeman looked up to see a puzzled looking little boy.

"Is that a dog you have back there?" asked the little boy.

"Yes, it is," replied the policeman.

"What'd he do?"

Quote

Who's Nuts?
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No thanks, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. Everybody in the shop who overheard the conversation was laughing out loud.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Quote

Back to School
Summer vacation was over and little Johnny returned back to school.

Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her he was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," his mother said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved!"

Quote

School Sign
Teacher: "Why are you late, Joseph?"

Joseph: "Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher: "What does a sign have to do with your being late?"

Joseph: "The sign said, 'School Ahead, Go Slow!'"

Quote

Sheep
The teacher came up with a good problem for her class. "Suppose," she asked the second graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"

"None," answered little Norman.

"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic," said the teacher.

"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!" replied Norman.

Quote

Apples
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Quote

Map Reading
The teacher of the Earth Sciences class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longtitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longtitude ...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Quote

Punishment
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

Quote

Idiots in the Room
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student," but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

Quote

Calling in Sick
A high school had a policy that the parents must call the school if a student was to be absent for the day.

Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), who had decided to skip school and go to the mall with her friends, waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call ...

Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill."

Secretary at the high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"

Kelly: "This is my mother."

Needless to say, she didn't pull it off!

Quote

Did You Hear the One About the Plane?
On a recent trans-Pacific flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane.

Then an Aussie bloke stands up at the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous - tall, well built, with sun-bleached blond hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ... one button at a time.

No one moves. Everyone is transfixed.

He removes his shirt, muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps. He whispers ... "Here ya go luv, iron this and then go get me a beer ...".

Quote

Dear Mom ...
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst pemonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
[indent]Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice - even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, Mom. I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy.

He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so John can get better - he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Your daughter,
Judith

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk's centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

And here's a politically UNcorrect one ...

Quote

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
You must read them out loud.

• That's not right .................... Sum ting wong
  
  
• Are you harbouring a fugitive? .......... Hu yu hai ding
  
  
• See me ASAP ................................... Kum hia nao
  
  
• Small horse ...................................... Tai ni po ni
  
  
• Did you go to the beach? .................. Wai yu so tan
  
  
• I think you need a face-lift ................ Chin tu fat
  
  
• It's very dark in here ........................ Wao so dim

[Buzz Bumble]

Quote

Watch Your Speed Nanna!
Sitting on the side of the highway to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22KPH. He thinks to himself, 'This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!' So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies. "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... 22 kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... is everyone in this car OK?" These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off highway 189."

Quote

Blondes (1)
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2:00am in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde) picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 kilometres from here! and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know. Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Quote

Blondes (2)
Two blondes are waling down the street. One notices a make-up compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in hthe mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Quote

Blondes (3)
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No honey! Don't do it!!.

Hysterically the blonde replies, "Shut up! You're next!"

Quote

Blondes (4)
Q: What did the blonde ask her docotr when he told her she was pregnant?

A: "Is it mine?"

Quote

The Nursing Home
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Quote

A Lesson About Sharing
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thingking, 'Look, there is a couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!'

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking the food off their tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed on half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the Frnch fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his fe bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking, 'That poor old couple.'

As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy them another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that, no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "My turn with the false teeth."

[tanzya]

All great jokes Buzz- esp the speeding grans ones,
I still nearly pee myself laughing every time I read it
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off highway 189."

[Buzz Bumble]

Quote

A Nun's Story
A taxi driver picks up a Nun. She gets into the taxi and notices that the very handsome taxi driver won't stop staring at her and she asks him why he is staring.

"I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." he replies.

"My son, you cannot offend me." She answers. "When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me." says the taxi driver.

"Well, let's see what we can do about that." she replies. "First you have to be single and second you must be Catholic."

The taxi driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the taxi driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the Nun. "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." replies the taxi driver.

The Nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Quote

Five Star Stupidity Award Winner!
When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motorhome parked on a Seatlle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to the motorhome near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol and plugged his siphon hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Quote

Beaten
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama last week when he challenged the court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt, but the boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.

The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

After much thought by the boy, custody was granted to the All Blacks rugby team as the boy firmly believed that they are not capable of beating anyone.

Quote

Final Retribution for Bill Gates
Bill Gates died and found himself in front of God for judgment.

"Well Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell." said God. "After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created all that ghastly software. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

"Well, thanks God. What's the difference between the two?" replied Bill.

"I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you to make a decision." said God.

"Fine, but where should I go first?" said Bill.

"I'm going to leave that up to you." answered God.

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beutiful women running around, playing in the water and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I really want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmmm ... I think I prefer Hell." he told God.

"Fine." retorted God, "As you desire."

So Bill Gates was sent to Hell.

Two weeks later God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell he found Billshackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons.

"How's everything going Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful. This is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God replied, "That was the screen saver."