At the end of the day, a policeman parked his van in front of the station. As he was gathering his equipment, his dog started barking. The policeman looked up to see a puzzled looking little boy.
"Is that a dog you have back there?" asked the little boy.
"Yes, it is," replied the policeman.
"What'd he do?"
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No thanks, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. Everybody in the shop who overheard the conversation was laughing out loud.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Back to School
Summer vacation was over and little Johnny returned back to school.
Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her he was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," his mother said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved!"
Teacher: "Why are you late, Joseph?"
Joseph: "Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: "What does a sign have to do with your being late?"
Joseph: "The sign said, 'School Ahead, Go Slow!'"
The teacher came up with a good problem for her class. "Suppose," she asked the second graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic," said the teacher.
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!" replied Norman.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
The teacher of the Earth Sciences class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longtitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longtitude ...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
Idiots in the Room
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student," but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Calling in Sick
A high school had a policy that the parents must call the school if a student was to be absent for the day.
Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), who had decided to skip school and go to the mall with her friends, waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call ...
Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill."
Secretary at the high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"
Kelly: "This is my mother."
Needless to say, she didn't pull it off!
Did You Hear the One About the Plane?
On a recent trans-Pacific flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane.
Then an Aussie bloke stands up at the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous - tall, well built, with sun-bleached blond hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ... one button at a time.
No one moves. Everyone is transfixed.
He removes his shirt, muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps. He whispers ... "Here ya go luv, iron this and then go get me a beer ...".
Dear Mom ...
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst pemonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice - even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, Mom. I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy.
He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so John can get better - he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk's centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
And here's a politically UNcorrect one ...
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
read them out loud.
- That's not right .................... Sum ting wong
- Are you harbouring a fugitive? .......... Hu yu hai ding
- See me ASAP ................................... Kum hia nao
- Small horse ...................................... Tai ni po ni
- Did you go to the beach? .................. Wai yu so tan
- I think you need a face-lift ................ Chin tu fat
- It's very dark in here ........................ Wao so dim