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[Buzz Bumble]

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Blonde Joke
Alice, a blonde, wanted to do something intelligent. She went to buy a puzzle for herself. She found one she liked and asked the shopkeeper to pack it.

The shopkeeper said, "Miss, this is for three to six years."

The blonde insisted and bought it.

A year later she finally managed to finish the puzzle. She laughed and said to herself, "And the shopkeeper thought it would take me three to six years to finish this."

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Paraprosdokian Phrases
A Paraprosdokian Phrase is a figure of speech in which the second part of a sentence of phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.

• I wanted to ask God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

• Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

• The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

• I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

• He never really grow up - we only learn how to act in public.

• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

• Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

• I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted to pay cheques.

• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I always put "AMBULANCE".

• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• A bus is a vehicle that goes twice as fast when you are running after it than when you are in it.

• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

• You're never too old to learn something stupid.

• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Service usually uses water.

• I always take life with a pinch of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were.

• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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Why Parents Get Grey Hair
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" asked the boss.

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

"Is there any one there besides you? the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child. "A policeman."

Wondering what a policeman would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's talking to Daddy and Mummy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What's going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

[Buzz Bumble]

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Pirate
A pirate walks into a bar, his old favourite, although he hasn't been there in a while. Immediately, the bartender notices him and says, "Haven't seen ya in a while. Where ya been? You look terrible!"

"Huh?" says the pirate. "What do you mean?"

"Oy, you've got a wooden leg! What happened?" asks the bartender.

"Well," replies the pirate, "our chip was in a fierce sea battle and me leg got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"What about that hook? What happened to your hand?" asks the bartender again.

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook ... but I'm fine, really." replies the pirate

"What about that eye patch?" asks the bartender.

"One fine day at sea a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in me damn eye." replies the pirate.

"You're kidding," says the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."

"Well," replies the pirate. "It was me first day with the hook."

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Rugby Fan
A man had front row tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final, when another guy came down and asked him if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"Nope." he replied. "That seat is empty."

"Whoah! That's crazy!" said the guy. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest day in all of rugby, and not even bother to show up?"

Sadly, then man said, "Well ... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first rugby game we've missed seeing together since we got married in 1964."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." replied the guy. "What a shame. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

"Nah," replied the man as he shook his head. "They're all at the funeral."

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Police Vacation
A few overworked police officers deserved a vacation and together they decided to gon on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleep two per room so that they could afford the trip. But, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Bruce - he's got a well-known reputation for snoring and since it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, they voted to take turns.

The first officer to bunk with Bruce came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didn't get any sleep. The others asked, "Mate, what happened to you?"

He replied, "Bruce snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night and couldn't get any sleep."

The following night it was a different officer's turn. In the morning the same thing - hair all messed up, eyes bloodshot, etc. The others asked, "Mate, what happened to you? You look awful!"

"Man," he replied. "That Bruce! Shakes the roof, he's so loud. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a burly ex-football player, a man's man. He said he wasn't going to put up with any snoring.

"We'll see!" said the other officers.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright0eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning, wonderful day outside isn't it?" he said.

The other officers couldn't believe it! They asked, "Mate, what happened?"

"Well, we got ready for bed," he replied. "And I went over and tucked Bruce into bed, then kissed him good-night. He sat up all night just watching me. He didn't snore a bit, mate."

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Birth Control
An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak to her doctor. When the doctor asked why she was there, the woman replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me Mrs Greenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?"

The woman replied, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor considered this for a second and then asked, "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?"

"Well," the woman replied, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."

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Blondes
Two blondes were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail, the blonde on the ladder would reach into the nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over their shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

After a while the other blonde asked, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away!?"

"Whoa! Don't yell!" the blonde on the ladder replied. "If the nail is pointed towards me when I pull it out of the pouch, then I throw it away. If it's pointed towards the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!"

The second blonde shouted back, "Are you stupid!? Don't throw away the nails that are pointed towards you! They're for the other side of the house! Duh!"

[Buzz Bumble]

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And Remember ...
Life is short!
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that made you smile.

The best things in life are free ... until the Government finds out and taxes them!

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Hearing Aid
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," asked the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve-thirty." replied the man.

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Will You Marry Me?
Two elderly people had known each other for a number of years - he was a widower and she was a widow.

One evening there was a community event at the local RSA. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered,"Yes. Yes, I will!"

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective homes.

The next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?", he wondered.

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall, not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening. As he gained more courage he inquired, "When I asked you would you marry me, did you say 'yes' or did you say 'no'?"

He was delighted to hear her reply, "Why, I said 'Yes. Yes, I will marry you' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

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Getting Revenge With Marriage
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family were standing around his bed. With a low voice, he said to his wife, "When I'm dead, I want you to marry Farmer Jones."

"No," replied his wife. "I can't marry anyone after you."

"But I want you to," he said.

"But why?" she asked.

"Jones once cheated me in a horse deal." he answered.

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Getting Into Fights
A young couple drove several kilometres down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

[Buzz Bumble]

Rugby is getting everywhere at the moment and so are digs at the Australians (TV is replaying the advert with the DIY kids "lazy" Australian joke), including this latest issue's jokes page.

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Clever Aussies
Robbie Deans took the Wallabies out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal positions. So they all went and stood behind the goalposts to wait for the conversion.

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Worried Aussies
The Wallabies rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice fields. Head coach Robbie Deans immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the try line. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

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Train Ride
Traveling by train were a Wallaby, an All Black, a spectacular looking blonde, and an older lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happened to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap was heard.

When they left the tunnel, the Wallaby had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought: "That horrible Wallaby wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

The older lady thought: "This dirty Wallaby laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

The Wallaby thought: "That bloody All Black put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

The All Black thought: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Wallaby again."

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Jonah
The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themsevles ahead 50 - 0, with Jonah Lomu getting eight tries.

The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.

"No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened."

After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95 - 3.

"What!?!" said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points?!?

Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."

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Kids
In 1983 three kids were playing in the street in Sydney when they were hit by a train.

They all went to Heaven and God said to them, "You weren't supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do, and so it shall be."

The first kid takes a running leap and shouts, "Lawyer!" So, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an up-coming appointment to the Bench.

The second kid takes his turn and shouts, "Brain surgeon!" So, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.

The third kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles off the cloud muttering, "Stupid, clumsy idiot." So, 20 years later, he's playing the back line fo the Wallabies.

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Heaven
Martin Johnston, coach of the English rugby team, and Graham Henry, coach of the New Zealand rugby team, both die and enter the Pearly Gates.

God takes Martin on a tour of Heaven and ends up at a little two-bedroom bungalow with a faded English rugby banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, Martin," says God. "You're very lucky. Most people don't get their houses up here, you know."

Martin looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the huge mansion on top of the hill - a massive, multi-storey affair with white marble columns, balconies, and attractive gardens, All black banners line both sides of the footpath, and a huge New Zealand flag hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God, " says Martin. "But let me ask you a question. How come I get this little two-bedroom bungalow and Graham Henry gets a huge mansion with all those marble columns and things?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment. "That's not Graham's house," God says. "That's my house."

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Rugby Questions
Q: Why don't rugby players have midlife crisises?
A: Thay stay stuck in adolescence.

Q: Why do people tend to hate Australian rugby players on sight?
A: Because it saves time.

Q: Why do reugby players like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

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Restuarant Dining
Rugby player in a Chinese restaurant: "Waiter, these noodles are a bit crunchy."

Waiter: "That's because they're chopsticks, sir."


South African rugby player in a restaurant: "Waiter, this vinegar is rather lumpy."

Waiter: "That's because they're pickled onions, sir."

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Injured
A man went to the doctor one day and said, "I've just been playing rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, my arms, my head, my tummy, and everywhere else, it really hurt."

"So," said the doctor. "You've broken your finger."

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Finals
There's a man sitting in the front row at the Rugby World Cup Finals, but amazingly, there's an empty seat beside him. Another man spots it, goes up to him and says, "Do you mind if I sit here?"

"No, not at all," replies the first man. "It's my wife's seat, but she died recently."

"So why didn't you get one of your family to come," asks the second man out of curiosity.

The first man replies,"They're all at the funeral."

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Rugby Tickets
A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the local rugby match and Dad can't find the tickets.

"Nip home and see if I left the tickets there." says the father.

"No probs, Dad." replies Bobby.

Half an hour later, Bobby returns to his Dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium and says, "Yep. They're on the kitchen table where you left them."

[Buzz Bumble]

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Taxi Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything was quiet in the taxi. Then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "Sorry. It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!"

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Honest Doctor
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like lok on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor!"

The doctor looks over her for a couple of minutes, then calmly replies, "Well, Mrs Jones, I can tell you that there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

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The Real Definition of Words When Used by Women

1. Fine: I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.

2. That's OK: One of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's OK" means she wnats to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

3. Nothing: The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (see #1).

4. Five minutes: If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)

5. Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say "You're welcome" and let it go.

6: Loud Sigh: Not actually a word, but rather a non-verbal statement, often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing" (see #3).

7. Go ahead: This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)

8. Don't worry about it, I got it: The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

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Courtroom
These are actual quotes of what people said in a court, word for word.

Q: Mr Slatery, you went on a rather elobrate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pusuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responsese must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you beagn the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

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Tomato Sauce
A mother was struggling to get tomato sauce out of the bottle when the phone rang. She asked her four year old daughter to answer it, and she then heard her daughter say, "Mummy can't come to the phone. She's hitting the bottle."

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Gandma's Age
A little boy asked his grandmother how old she was.

"39 and holding," she replied.

"Well, then," asked the boy. "How old would you be if you let go?"

[Buzz Bumble]

From this week's issue ...

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Cleaning the Attic
While cleaning the attic, Joan and Harry found an old claim ticket for some shoes they left at the repair shop 10 years ago. They thought it would be funny to go to the shop and see if the shoes were still there.

So they did.

At the shop they handed the ticket to the repairman who took it and looked in the back of the shop. A few moments later he came out again and said, "They'll be ready on Wednesday."

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Rest In Peace
When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery and arrived about an hour late. The mechanical digger was there and the crew were eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologised to the workmen for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers that I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord", "Amen", and "Glory!" I got so immersed in the service that I preached, and preached, and preached, from Genesis to The Relevation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tank systems for twenty years."

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Amish Humour
A sign on the back of an Amish carriage: "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats. Caution: Avoid exhaust!"

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An Exercise
For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.

• Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a 1kg potato bag in each hand.
  
• Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
  
• After a few weeks, move up to 2kg potato bags and then 3kg potato bags, and finally get to where you can lift a 5kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms out straight for more than a full minute.
  
• Next, start putting a few potatoes in the bag.

.

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Norvegian Virus
Received in a recent email:

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VARNING: MinnySoda Compewtr Virus
Ve haf just sent you da Norvegian Virus. Since ve do not haf any programming experience and do not know how to actually demage your computir, dis virus verks on da honour system.

Please forward dis virus to eferyvone on your mailing list and den manually delete all of da files on your hard drive.

Thank you for your co-operation,

Sven and Ole

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Whispering Blonde
It was very crowded and noisy in the restaurant, and a blonde girl asked the waiter where the restroom was.

"I can't hear you!" he said.

So she got close to his ear and asked again, "Can you please tell me where the ladies room is?"

"On the other side!" he replied.

So she turned around and got close to his other ear and asked, "Can you tell me where the ladies room is, please?"

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Beer Discovery
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To test their theory, the scientists had fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked exzcessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.

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The Queen's Riddle
George Bush met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen. "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. Then replied, "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." She then pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me, Your Majesty."

"Yes, very good," said the Queen.

George Bush went back home to America and asked Dick Cheney, his Vice President, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Cheney. "Let me get back to you on that one." and left the room.

Later that night Cheney ran into Hillary Clinton having dinner. He asked, "Hillary, can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

Clinton answered back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cheney smiled and said, "Thanks!"

The next day Cheney went back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Hillary Clinton!"

Bush got up, stomped over to Cheney and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Edited by Buzz Bumble, 26 October 2011 - 06:55 PM.

[Buzz Bumble]

From this week's issue (it's actually published every second week) ...

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Blonde
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that ...

• she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate",

• she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind,

• she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order,

• she sent me a fax with a stamp on it,

• she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

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Memory Class
An elderly couple had been experienceing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where attendees is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbour about how much the class had helped him.

"What was the name of the instructor?" asked the neighbour.

"Oh, ummm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice, but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbour.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned towards his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the instructor we took the memory class with?"

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Male Asseriveness
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bosseda round by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told him that he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness. He read on the way bus ride home and had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afertwards. The, after dinner, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director?" replied his wife.

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Mum's Letter
Dear Child,

I am writing this slowly because I know that you can't read fast.

Just wanted to let you know that we don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved a bit further away. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here. It only rained twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and teh second time for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it "Mom". I like the name. It feels like I already know her.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. He was always so very brave. I will miss him. Wish your Dad was more like him. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends, Joe and Buck, were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened, but I will let you know as it does.

Love,

Mum

PS, I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

Quote

If Microsoft Built Cars
A a COMDEX expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the automobile industry and stated that: "If General Motors had kept up with techoology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 miles to the gallon."

General Motors later issued a press release stating:
If Microsoft built cars ...

• For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
  
• Every time they repaint the lines on the road, you would need to buy a new car.
  
• Sometimes your car would die on the motorway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
  
• Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  
• Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car XP or Car 2000, but then you would have to buy more seast than you need.

If Apple built cars ...

• Your car would be powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% or the road.
  
• The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "gerneral car fault" warning light.
  
• New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  
• The airbag system woudl ask "Ar you sure?" before going off.
  
• Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

If General Motors built cars using Microsoft's methods ...

• General Motors woud require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (a subsidiary just taken over by General Motors), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, General Motors would become a target for the Justice Department's Anti-competition investigators.
  
• Every time General Motors introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over agina because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  
• You would press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

Edited by Buzz Bumble, 09 December 2011 - 01:36 PM.

[Buzz Bumble]

From this week's issue (it's actually published every second week) ...

Quote

Rugby in Heaven
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both love rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for many years. Please do me one favour when you get to Heaven. Somehow, you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many year. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike ... Mike."

"Who is it?" asks Mike, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike ... it's me, Joe." replies the voice.

"You're not Joe. Joe just died," says Mike.

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?" asks Mike.

"In Heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," says Joe, "is that there IS rugby in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're in the team for this Saturday." replies Joe.

Quote

Santa Jokes
Q: Where does Santa stay when he's on holiday?
A: At a ho-ho-ho-tel!

Q: What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
A: A Christmas quacker!

Quote

10 Things to Say About Gifts You Don't Like

• Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.
  
• It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
  
• Perfect for wearing in the basement.
  
• Well, well, well ...
  
• I really don't deserve this.
  
• Gosh, I hope this never ctaches fire!
  
• I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
  
• If the dog buries it, I'll be furios!
  
• Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection programme.
  
• To think, I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity."

Quote

The Night Before Christmas - Italian Version
'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung up to da winda,
To scream, "Yo! Keep it down!"

When what to me
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elves,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dair snouts,
And a yank on dair manes,
He cursed and he souted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinnie, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out me gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda,
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da heck yous doin',
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga,
Right unda me nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

Quote

The Night Before Christmas - Microsoft Version
'Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Except Father's mouse.
The computer was humming,
The icons were hopping,
As Father did last minute
Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung,
By the modem with care,
In the hope that St. Nicholas,
Would bring new software.
The children were nestled,
All snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games,
Danced in their heads.
Halo for Billy,
Call of Duty fo Dan,
And Kinectimals
For Pamela Ann.

The letter to Santa,
Have been sent out by Mom,
To SantaClaus@toyshop.northpole.com.
Which has now been re-reouted,
To Washington State,
Because Santa's Workshop
Has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer
Have had to skedaddle,
To flashy new quarters
In suburban Seattle.

After centuries of life
That was simple and sapre,
St. Nicholas is suddenly
A billionaire.
With a shiny red Porsche
In place of his sleigh.
And a house on Lake Washington,
That's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion.

The old fellow preens,
In black Gucci boots
And red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options,
And desks with a view,
Where they write computer code
For Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers,
Nor little toy drums,
Will be under the tree,
Only compact disc ROMS
With the Microsoft label.
So spin up your drive,
From now on,
Christmas run only on Windows 95.

More rapid than eagles
The competitiors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted,
And called them by name,
"Now Adobe, Now Sony,
Now Nintendo, Now Apple,
Now Sega, And EA.
You are all of you through.
It is Microsoft's Santa
That the kids can't resist.
It's the unltimate software,
With a traditional twist,
Recommended by no less
Than the jolly old elf,
And on the package,
A picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, Keep 'em long
Is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is
A marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ!
To the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away, Wow!

And Mama in her 'kerchief,
And I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a
Long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum,
Of our satellite platter.
As it turned toward that new
Christmas star in the sky,
The Santallite owned
By the Microsoft guy.

As I sprang from my bed,
And was turning around,
My computer turned on,
With a Jingle Bells sound,
And there on the screen
Wasa smiling Bill Gates,
Next to jolly old Santa,
Two arm-in-arm mates,
And I heard them exclaim,
In voices so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas,
And to to all a ... ERROR - Restart the computer.

Edited by Buzz Bumble, 18 December 2011 - 02:30 PM.